Are our kids being over-monitored and judged too soon?
A kid breaks the CCTV in an apartment lift, and the parents and the kid are called upon and shamed in front of the association for the child’s act. The apartment’s association circulates the footage, which invites varied comments from the other families.
“How do these parents raise their kids?”
“How do these parents let their kids do such things?”
“Parents don’t seem to discipline children enough nowadays.”
Kids in every generation were at the receiving end for their discipline issues. In every generation, kids would do something naughty, and get caught or be caught free. Depending on the adults around, they would get a warning or a more serious reprimand.
In modern times, I feel it has got a little more complicated, with our kids being constantly monitored for every act of theirs, for every word that comes out of their mouth, for every thought that they share. We are constantly policing them about what is right, wrong, bad, good, unkind, impolite, rude etc and drenching them with high values and standards, without giving them the little freedom that they need to err, make mistakes and learn from.
Not that I am supporting mistakes or unkind behaviour by kids, but I am trying to bring our attention and awareness to today’s adults’ response to such acts of kids and our over-indulgence in the minutest behaviour of the children around.
In modern times, with nuclear families, parents have to raise the kids by themselves alongside managing the jobs and sometimes have to raise them in different communities and societies than where they were raised. It is indeed a challenging time for parents. And this is resulting in our push for higher vigilance and our demand for higher standards from our children.
“The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Can you guess, the timeline of the above said quote? Do you think it is 2020’s? NO. There are contradictory views on whose quote it is. Few believe it was said by Socrates in 430 BC, however, one source states that it was quoted by a student in 1907, and eventually by an educator in 1912. Irrespective of the exact year, what this reflects, is that children across generations seem to have had more or less similar behaviours, however, we as adults seem to believe that our kids and kids in this generation are at their worst behaviour.
And such thinking of ours further results, in us labelling them, judging them and shaming them, which may not always help in better behaviour from them, but surely impacts their self-esteem, morale and confidence.
What is the way out then?
- I am not completely sure, either, but I am definitely conscious of how often and for what values, would I want to have a discussion with my daughter. I do too sometimes take a few things more seriously than needed. However, I would constantly work, to keep that list small and short for her to work on or follow based on her age and developmental stage. In short, strike a balance and prioritise. And keep the list short. For other things not on our list, let the kids commit mistakes in our absence and learn by themselves.
- We as a society as a group of parents, need to come together to talk and iron out the differences. To hold our guards down and see from the children’s perspectives too. From other families' perspectives too. When we parents don’t see each other as enemies or aliens but more as an extended family or fellow companions in raising our kids, we are able to create a better environment for our children to thrive.
- As parents, we need to look out to include or reach out to such adults among friends, close circles or professionals who are less judgmental, have a deeper knowledge and experience of working with children (not someone who just knows it all theoretically) but someone who walks the talk and really exemplifies the behaviour of accepting and seeing kids for what they truly are — Children are filled with energy, curiosity, kindness, goodness, joy, happiness.
- The need to be constantly monitoring them is neither sustainable nor healthy for their growth. As parents, we need to work on building a connection with our children, have trust in the support system, have more open conversations with our kids and BE PRESENT when we are with them.
- I don’t know the answer, but I feel, lately we are nurturing a lot more fear, and mistrust around the places we live. It could be true factually, but then if we lead our lives minding our business and building more and more CCTVs around our kids to feel safe, I wonder, if that is really a society our children can thrive in or if that kind of future is really best for our children? It’s time we parents, wherever we are, to be more participative and build more trusting ecosystems, that can survive without the presence of CCTVs. It could sound utopian but I feel it’s a path we should at least try.
As I write this article about judging too quickly and watching our children’s behaviours a lot more closely, I am reminded of an incident, at my daughter’s school. This happened in front of my eyes, on the day I was volunteering in my daughter’s class. She along with another friend, made a card for a particular classmate of theirs. And it was intended to be “mean”. I was shocked and reacted by saying “That is a very unkind thing to do Leela” in a little stern and shocked tone. Leela understood that she had done something mischievous and started crying. As we sat outside the classroom, her teacher came and asked Leela in a kind and soft tone, what was going on in her, for her to act like that. She assured Leela that she trusted her to be a kind person. They discussed that such things happen in life where we do sometimes hurt other people. Though we don’t want to. And they discussed about repairing a relationship, and how they could repair this relationship. Leela came up with an idea, to make a “heart card”. The teacher handed over a fancy paper and glittery pen to write with for Leela and Leela left a “Sorry” note in that friend's cubbie.
In a private conversation with the teacher, I confided that I felt and believed that my daughter acted in a mean way and was tending to judge or label my daughter as a “mean” person, then the teacher educated me. “Nandini, what you are seeing is her behaviour, however, there is a deep large portion of need beneath that behaviour. A need to be accepted among her friends, a need to find her place in a new school, in a new country, a need to please her friends. We need to see that need and have conversations with her at a later point in time, to explain that we need not always agree to what our friends say, and still be friends.” I was aware of the behaviour and needs iceberg model, but I actually understood it that day. When I was so quick to judge my daughter, then what would stop me from judging other children? Each of us needs to work on ourselves and be mindful of our judgements, labels and shaming of others.
On another day, I met with the mother of that friend of Leela, and we discussed the whole incident. I expressed that I felt sorry for Leela’s act and that we are working to make Leela understand. And we discussed ideas of how we could plan more play-dates if possible to iron out the misunderstandings between the two. It was a beautiful, long conversation between two mothers sharing their challenges and the ideas to solve them.
As it’s said, it needs a village to raise a child, I am lucky to have found such understanding parents and teachers at Leela’s school, who are together creating an environment for kids to thrive. I wish each child finds such a village.
Below is one beautiful adaptation of the iceberg model, by Clinical Psychologist Juliet Young.
