Children want to be “Seen” and “Heard”.

A few weeks ago, Leela’s school principal was given a beautiful farewell. Heidi started Pacific Spirit School 30 years ago. She, along with other educators and parents, imagined a school where children would develop the foundations they need to live genuinely fulfilling lives. They created it. Heidi was the driving force behind the school, with her vision, her character, and her energies dedicated to this school.

We all bid farewell with heavy hearts, as the children will miss her magic in their lives. Even though our family was part of this amazing school for just around a year, it had a great impact on our lives. I feel very grateful for the community of parents and teachers at Pacific Spirit School. My stay in Canada as an immigrant parent is a lot easier and filled with warmth and kindness due to this school and its community.

A few things that the old students, teachers, and parents had to say about Heidi:

1. She had the courage to stick to what she believed.
2. She believed in a school filled with empathy, acceptance, kindness, respect, freedom, and creativity.
3. She encouraged and set the school culture where teachers and students could be themselves in their complete form, without hiding or pretence. Adults did not need to wear the masks of teachers, with an ideology that “ teachers are adults so children have to listen to them”. Rather the time at PSS is seen by teachers as an opportunity to grow together with children.
4. She saw children from where they are and understood their world, meeting each child without judgment, with openness, letting them shine.

Once a kindergarden child showing a Beatle said
“ Hey look at this tiny turtle. It is wearing a shiny jacket.”
To this Heidi said,
“ Yeah, I wonder, why tiny turtles love shiny jackets?”.

As a volunteer and a classroom assistant at PSS, I get a closer sneak peek of what happens inside the classrooms. My heart is filled with wonder and amazement to see the way conversations, practices, and teaching happen inside the classrooms. When I try to share my excitement about how much freedom or the way the curriculum is structured here (play, project, and inquiry-based, a collaboration and non-competitive culture, arts-enriched curriculum, lots of outdoor and free play, a huge emphasis on social and emotional learning, etc.), some parents immediately ask, “Is the school for neuro-divergent kids?” I used to feel a little disappointed at their thinking. But I guess that is the typical thinking we all have been raised or fed with.

What many parents fail to understand, I notice, is that for a neuro-divergent child or a neuro-typical child, their childhood demands some of the same fundamental things from us adults. There are many that this school implements beautifully, for example:

1. Understanding the needs of the child behind a particular behaviour of theirs. None of the children is labelled or shamed.
2. Disciplining through connection and co-regulation. Not through “punishments or rewards or time-outs”
3. Lots of outdoor time and unstructured and free play.
4. Learning driven through projects.
5. Giving importance to children’s choices, supporting them with freedom and nurturing creativity.
6. Nurturing a growth mindset. Seeing each child as unique and not bringing in comparisons.

And a lot more.

However, I wanted to share one aspect. An aspect that Heidi used to implement so beautifully. That is why everyone has that immense connection and love for her. I mean, EVERY child, teacher, and parent.

Whenever you are talking to her, she makes you feel that you are important and that she is focused on that conversation. You could feel her full presence. She believed that every child wants to be seen and heard and practised it. She treated each child’s conversation with utmost care and love. There was never an iota of judgment but rather a huge heart of kindness and acceptance that you could feel when you were in a conversation with her, even as an adult.

If you are a parent, and ask me, “What is that 1 thing, I could do, to improve my relationship, with my child?”

I would say “ Make your child feel seen and heard, in your relationship.”

Isn’t this our basic need as human beings too? Between a couple, friends, siblings, or at work, why do we have so many arguments or clashes or suppressed emotions? One of the top reasons is that we feel the other person is not listening to our perspective. They are closed. They have their agendas. How let down or disconnected do we feel?

Just imagine what children feel.

How often do we discount their feelings, ideas, or thoughts? We term them as silly, trivial, or unimportant when their entire world is based on that. When we don’t see an alignment or find them apt to our tastes we discard or shush them. OR we do not even pay attention to what they are saying, thanks to our attention spans due to screens. With our big physical size and the big mental size (force of authority/experience), how often do we just shut the conversations of our children?

How often do we keep our phones silent when our kids come to us and say they have something to share?

How often do we switch off our minds from our other zillion responsibilities and to-do lists and are fully present when we spend time with our children?

How often are we able to listen to them, without the judgmental thoughts aloud or within our minds, for what they say? (How is that possible?/ No, that is not correct.)

So yeah, irrespective of our child being neurologically different or typical, every child deserves to be seen and heard. How wonderful would it be if, at homes and schools, we are able to do it?

But why is this so critical? Isn’t the main agenda of a school to teach our children academics and to perform well in life? Isn’t it to give them an experience or taste of competition, stress which is the reality of life when they step out of college?

Hmm, I will answer that in detail, maybe in a different blog. But I want to leave you with this question.

When we are leading by example, of how disengaged we (parents and teachers) are with them in this relationship, where we don’t want to see or hear them for what they are, want to say, and want to be? Do you think they would do an effective job of listening to our requests, demands, and knowledge?

Leela was sad, that Heidi was leaving. Heidi was one of her favourite teachers. Knowing that I asked her a different question, at the end of the day. I asked her, what was she grateful for Heidi. She replied

“ I am grateful that Heidi built this “KIND” school.”